Betrayal and Forgiveness
by KayEsse
Summary: Jim realizes he cannot deny his feelings for Spock ever since the event on Psi 2000. But Spock himself has feelings for Jim. But something or someone may prevent it from happening.
1. Chapter 1

Jim Kirk wandered down the corridors. He had something on his mind and decided to pay Dr. McCoy a visit. As he stood in front of the Sickbay doors, he sighed to himself. 'Why do I keep coming here with my problems?' he thought to himself. He could just hear Bones saying 'I'm a doctor, not a bartender.' But then, there'd likely be a stiff drink to follow and McCoy was a good friend. Hopefully he'd be able to help.

McCoy was in his office when he heard someone ring the buzzer. He was sitting at his desk, relaxing and had just started sipping his drink after a long day's work. "Come on in," he said.

"Hi Bones," Kirk said. "You got a minute?"

McCoy smiled. "Sure, Jim, more than that for you. He gestured to a spare chair. "Take a seat."

Kirk sat in the proffered chair and frowned as he noticed the strangely colored drink in the doctor's glass. "What are you drinking?" he asked. "That doesn't look like your usual poison."

"Oh this?" McCoy replied. "It's a mint julep. I needed one, it made me think of the past a little and I wanted to reminisce. All those hot summer days in Georgia and when I got to relax this was my sweet poison. It's real good stuff. You want one?"

The captain grimaced. "No thanks," he said firmly. "I'll stick to my usual."

"Sure, no problem," McCoy said. "One Saurian brandy coming right up."

He got up and moved over to grab a bottle and a second glass from the shelf where he kept his liquor supplies. "You know," he continued, "I'm beginning to feel more like a bartender than a doctor."

Kirk laughed. "I knew you'd say that one of these days," he said. McCoy offered Jim a seat and gave him his brandy and sat opposite him.

"So what can I do for you?" the doctor asked. "As you're drinking I doubt it's ship's business, so I'm guessing it's something personal?"

"You guess right," Kirk said with a sigh, looking down at the glass he was nursing in his hands. McCoy fixed his keen blue eyes on his friend's bowed head.

"Ok, spill it," he said. "What's been eating you?"

"It's about Spock," Kirk admitted.

"What about him?" McCoy asked, not having a clue where this was going.

"Do you remember what happened a few months ago after the landing party went to Psi 2000?" Kirk said quietly.

"Oh God, how could anyone forget that?" McCoy said. "Kevin Riley singing I'll Take you Home Again Kathleen is still ringing in my ears!"

"I meant what happened to Spock," Kirk said.

The doctor frowned. "I'm not following you, Jim. Although he has seemed more closed off since then. I thought he was loosening up a bit, but now he's as up tight as he ever was."

"Tell me about it," Kirk said mounfully. "We hardly even play chess any more." He looked up to meet the doctor's gaze. "I miss him, Bones."

"He is Vulcan, Jim," McCoy said gently.

"I know that," Kirk answered, the frustration obvious in his voice, "but he's also half Human."

"Yes," McCoy said slowly, "but he doesn't want to show that side of himself."

"He always did to me," Kirk told him, "but now he's gone back into his shell and it's all my fault."

"Your fault?" McCoy began, then paused. "Jim, what happened?"

"Well," Kirk began, looking into his glass. "You remember our orbit was decaying and we were spiralling down?" McCoy nodded. He was hardly likely to forget that terrifying experience , even though he'd had his hands full in sickbay at the time. "Riley had shut down the engines," Kirk continued, glancing up to meet the doctor's eyes before looking down again, "and I needed a solution fast, so I went to find Spock." He took a deep breath before he carried on speaking. "I found him in the conference room. He was crying." McCoy's eyebrows shot up at that, but he remained silent. "I shouldn't have done what I did," Kirk said, his voice now barely more than a whisper.

"What did you do?" McCoy asked, his tone a mix of worry and curiosity.

Kirk hesitated slightly as if reluctant to remember what happened next. "He looked at me," he finally began, "and he said that when he felt friendship for me, he was ashamed. I tried to snap him out of it." A stricken look crossed his handsome face. "I hit him, Bones."

McCoy reached out to touch his arm.

"He grabbed my hand," Kirk said, his eyes fixed on some distant point in the room, as if he was seeing in his mind the scene he was describing. "I knew I was being infected but the sensation between us was more than that." He met McCoy's eyes. "It felt right," he finished. McCoy returned his gaze.

"Is there something you're not telling me here, Jim?" he asked.

Kirk jumped up out of the chair and turned to pace across the room, running his hand agitatedly through his hair. "I don't know," he answered.

"You know you can tell me anything," the doctor said, "and it won't go any further."

Kirk took another deep breath and turned around to look at McCoy. "Bones, do you...," he hesitated, "do you think he might have feelings for me? More than friendship, I mean," he finished, the words coming in a rush, as if he might not say them if he thought too long about it. McCoy stared at him, surprised more that he's said the words than the he was at the words themselves.

"He was being influenced by the virus," he said, "but I can see how well you get along. It seems like you're alway joined at the hip."

"I don't know how he feels about me," Kirk said, "but I know much I enjoy the time we spend together. I look forward to seeing him every day. He always seems to make me smile." He gave a choked half laugh. "Sometimes," he continued, "I almost make him smile."

"So how do you feel about him, Jim?" the doctor asked, already fairly sure he knew the answer to his own question. Kirk ran his hand through his hair.

"He's my best friend," he said simply. He met McCoy's eyes and gave a small smile. "But so are you. There's just something different with Spock."

"You're in love with your first officer," McCoy said, and the statement hung in the air between them for a moment as he waited to see how Kirk would respond.

"I think I am," the captain replied.

McCoy looked thoughtful. "I thought you would deny it," he said. "It says a lot to me that you didn't."

Kirk looked as worried as McCoy had ever seen him, and he's seen him in some pretty dire circumstances. "The worst thing is what I did to him in the conference room," he said. "I pretty much told him not to feel. I told him to be logical, because that's what I needed him to be so we could save the ship." He squeezed his eyes closed at the memory. "The one time," he said, his voice pained, "the one time he tried to tell me how he feels and I blew it. I hurt him."

McCoy folded his arms across his chest and threw a stern look at his younger friend. "So what are you going to do about it?" he demanded, and Kirk's eyes flew open at the forceful tone. He met the insightful blue eyes fixed on his own and a new determination washed over him.

"I have to talk to him," he replied.

McCoy nodded in aproval.

"I think it's way overdue," he said in agreement. He got up from his chair and grinned as he held out his hand toward Kirk.

"Good luck," he added. Kirk managed a faint smile in return as he reached out to grasp his friend's outstretched hand.

"Thanks, Bones," he said. "I think I might need all the luck I can get."


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk had just finished his shift on the bridge and took a shower the moment he entered his quarters. He was nervous, anxious, excited. As he entered the cubicle the hot water made him feel invigorated. He needed to get rid of all the cobwebs clouding his mind. He wanted to think clearly.

Spock had been on the same shift as him. It had been hard to look at him today. He'd wanted to tell him now how he felt or atleast ask to see him after their shift together. He decided against it and thought it would be better to just visit him on the spur of the moment.  
>He left the cubicle and grabbed a towel and began to dry himself, starting with his hair and working his way down. He couldn't believe how nervous he felt. He was shaking and his insides were tied up in knots. ' Relax, Jim' he said to himself. 'It won't be that bad. Stay calm.'<p>

Moments later Kirk was dressed in a clean uniform. He brushed his teeth, and grabbed a mint. You never know, there could be kissing involved and he didn't want to have bad breath. 'God how stupid is this?' he said to himself. He brushed his hair and checked himself out in the mirror. He thought he looked good, then laughed at himself for thinking that. He was sure Spock didn't care what he looked like. 'Well, Jim,' he said to himself. 'it's now or never. Time to ask your best friend if he wants to go steady...'

He walked the familiar corridors, going slower than usual because he could see Spock's quarters coming up in the distance. Almost there. He willed himself to calm down. He was sweating like a nervous bridegroom on his wedding day. The familiar name and doors of Spock's quarters were right in front of him. This was it. He raised his hand and pressed the buzzer.

"Come," said Spock's voice from within the room. The door opened and Kirk entered. He felt the heat in the room. It was always warmer in here but he didn't mind. It was one of the ways in which Spock was different to him, and that was a good thing. He loved the fact that his friend was from another planet. It made life interesting and just added to his attraction to Spock. The Vulcan was intriguing, not to mention damn sexy.

"Am I bothering you?" he asked. I see you're meditating, Spock. Would you like me to come back later? I don't want to intrude."

"You are not intruding, Jim," the Vulcan answered. "I welcome your company. Please sit. Can I offer you something to drink?"

"Yes please," Kirk replied. "A brandy if you have one."

"I will only be one moment," Spock said. Jim looked at Spock as he went to get two glasses from his liquor cabinet. He then poured the desired contents in said glasses and handed one to his friend. Jim brought the glass to his lips and slowly took a sip of its contents. It felt good. He really needed this, it was going to help him unwind or make him tongue tied. He didn't know which.

"Thanks Spock, it's quite good." said Kirk fidgeting with his glass.

"Indeed. Is there something you wish to discuss?"

Jim shifted uneasily in his chair and downed the rest of his drink, before setting it on the table next to him. "As a matter of fact, yes. I don't really know where to start."

"Perhaps from the beginning."

Jim stood up and started to pace, laughing nervously at Spock's statement. Spock had a good sense of humor only he didn't know that he did, which made it even more hilarious. "I was wondering how you've been doing since Psi 2000?"

"It has been difficult. Even though time has passed since the incident, the effects of it still linger. I have problems sleeping and meditating and I have been suffering from nightmares."

"Have you spoken to McCoy about this?" said Kirk, visibly concerned.

"I had hoped I would be able to deal with the situation on my own. I do not seem able to concentrate. I hope my work is not compromised."

"No, I would have told you about it a long time ago if it was. But you should go to see Bones. He could help you out."

"I shall consider it."

Kirk looked around him and felt the room was beginning to get uncomfortably warm. He then continued their conversation looking at Spock with pensive eyes.

"I also came here to tell you something. Spock, you've been a great friend to me during this mission. I know we haven't known each other that long but in some ways it feels as though I've known you forever."

He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. It was now or never.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that I've discovered something in myself that I can't explain. I've never been much on relationships, I can't seem to make them stick. I don't know why I can't seem to settle down, not that it would be easy on a Starship. I believe the Enterprise has alot of pull on me. I need to protect her, and her crew. The only thing is that at end of the day I am pretty much by myself with my thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing chess with you, and all the time we spend together. But, sometimes I long for something more. I seem to have developed strong feelings for you. Friendship we have, but now I find that I need more," said Kirk trying not to sound like he was babbling but failing miserably.

"Do you understand what I just said Spock?"

Spock looked up at his friend, his face a mask. Jim couldn't tell what his friend was feeling. "You feel more for me than friendship alone?"

"Yes," said Kirk waiting for his friend's response.

Spock got up from his chair and paced across the room and Kirk watched him closely, hoping his body language would give something away. He wasn't sure whether to run from Spock's quarters or stay. The waiting was killing him , feeling like an eternity.

"I also have feelings for you," Spock admitted, and Kirk's heart soared.

"However," the Vulcan continued. "I regret my personal circumstances are somewhat complicated." Kirk looked at him questioningly. I belong to another." he added.

Kirk's heart sank as low as it had soared high a moment earlier.

"I don't understand," he said.

"Jim, I have a wife," Spock finished, the words cutting Kirk to the core.


	3. Chapter 3

The captain stared at Spock and thought for a moment that he was in the wrong room. He couldn't have possibly heard what his friend had said. Jim's heart beat was the only thing that was heard. A loud echoing beat he could hear clearly through his ears, making him oblivious to anything else. So loud in fact that he hadn't even heard Spock call his name.

"Jim? Are you alright? Did you hear what I said?" said the Vulcan concerned.

"I don't know." said Jim still staring at Spock, almost looking through him than at him.

"Jim, forgive me for not saying anything about this." said Spock rising from his chair.

Jim got up also and looked at Spock and spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me this? I thought we were friends. Granted it hasn't been that long but seriously Spock this is not what I was expecting."

"You are upset?"

"Spock, don't I have to the right to be?" said Jim his voice raised.

"I will explain shortly Jim." said Spock pacing in his cabin.

"Spock it's not that I'm all that upset, I'm more disappointed. I mean friends tell people things. A lot of times it's personal stuff. Bones told me he was married, has a daughter. Keeps his pinky ring as a souvenir because of what they created together; a child. There were good times. Did you know that?"

"No, I did not."

"Was I so difficult to approach that you couldn't tell me? We've played chess a lot after our shifts why not then? I guess it's a moot point now anyway since you belong to someone else. So, I guess I have to accept that."

"I am sorry Jim. But it's more complicated than you realize. I would like to explain if you will allow me?"

Jim looked at Spock sadly and nodded his head in approval. Spock could feel the sadness in Jim's eyes. He didn't want to cause this man pain. It seemed that is exactly what he had accomplished.

"Jim please sit with me." Spock guided Jim near his bed.

Jim's legs cooperated but they weren't in sync with his mind. He felt numb, like a ton of bricks had fallen on his head. Spock looked at Jim waiting for his friend to acknowledge him. Jim eventually came back to himself and really looked at his friend. He nodded slowly.

"Jim, before I begin please understand there are things I cannot disclose. Some topics can be very difficult to speak of, especially in my situation. One day I may have the courage to tell you, not only for your sake but for mine. I do hope you can understand." Spock waited as Jim looked at him with his eyes.

"Yes, of course Spock. Whatever you can tell me would be great. I don't want you to be uncomfortable in all this."

Spock never did feel the need to pace but for some reason he couldn't stand still. Perhaps it was the eyes of his captain and friend that kept looking at him. It melted his soul every time he would gaze upon them. So he preferred to walk, briskly. Not that there was much room being so small but he managed to find a rhythm.

He stopped suddenly and looked at Jim sitting on his bed. He took in a deep breath and let it out. He needed to talk about it now, there was no turning back.

"Have you ever heard much about arranged marriages?"

"Yes, I know somewhat about the subject. It is still practiced, on Earth and many other cultures."

"Vulcan also has this. It happens to all children at a very young age. By our parents arrangement we have a partner selected to us, one that is carefully chosen that both parties are well suited for. For when they are joined it is for life."

"I didn't know. So you also have someone chosen for you." said Jim his voice betraying him as it showed sadness in his eyes.

"Yes I do." replied Spock is voice soft.

"When were you married?"

"I am not yet married, only linked to her. It is like a long filament stretched out across us. We do not touch but our minds are connected. One day we shall be one." said Spock sadly.

"I take it you are not happy at the prospect of marriage. You just don't look like a happy man that is about to tie the knot. Your parents didn't chose well did they?

"You are correct Jim. They did not. Mostly my father wanted our families clan be joined to another. He did not take into account that I am also half human. That my wife to be would be opposed. She always respected her father's wishes but this decision was not something she approved and she told me so. I never could understand what she meant when I was younger. Now I know. She said that even though we are connected together by our minds we would never by our souls."

"I am sorry it was like that. You didn't have the easiest childhood did you my friend. Did you get teased a lot?" Jim said concerned.

"Vulcan adults may not be openly cruel but Vulcan children are still children. They tend to judge before they make a logical decision. They like all things need time to grow and evolve."

"So true Spock. We all do, humans too."

Spock continued to speak and pace back and forth in his room.

"I felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I am Vulcan on the outside but the people on my planet tried to find any traces of my human side, like it was a handicap that needed to be exposed. I felt I was not worthy to be one of them. When I left Vulcan and entered Starfleet that greatly disturbed my father because he had other plans for me. But how could I live there and ignore my human side. Perhaps, I thought I would find peace there among the humans. A place where they could accept me as I was. But being Vulcan how could they see me as human. I did fairly well there and met many people some decent some not. Christopher Pike was a very kind man. He was strict though, never all that close with his crew. Completely different from you Jim. When he transferred command to you I thought I would never find a friend that I did in him. How wrong I was. The moment our eyes met there was something there. Something I could not deny."

"I am glad Spock. I felt the same thing when I saw you. May I ask something?"

"Of course Jim."

"Wasn't your father linked to someone also at a young age. How did that turn out?"

"My father was indeed married before. The marriage did not last very long. His chosen one became a priestess. A higher calling and she was allowed to sever the bond. Different than a link and very dangerous. It was done leaving my father in agony. The healers I was told managed to borrow some time for Sarek."

"I don't understand, what would happen if they hadn't?"

"I am sorry Jim. I cannot tell you this. Suffice it to say, my father found what he was looking for in time. With the joining of Earth and Vulcan, the Federation was born and he represented our planet. He met my mother later and found her quite logical. They married and I was born later in the union.

When I think that if Zephram Cochrane had never launched his ship and that the Vulcans never intercepted him we would have never been apart of this. I would have never met you Jim."

"Spock, what Mr. Cochrane did was something beyond comprehension. I cannot tell you how much I love that man for bringing you here to me. I am so blessed to have you."

"I am the one that has been blessed. Never I would imagine someone so perfect for me."

"Where is T'Pring now?"

"I was not the only one affected by the Vulcan children. T'Pring was among them herself. She was also ridiculed for being paired with a half breed."

"Don't say that Spock. I consider you a whole person." Jim said quietly.

"You are the very few Jim who do. She left Shikahr with her parents and relocated farther in the southern regions of Vulcan, so my heritage caused her enough grief that she begged her father to leave. I have always felt guilty for casting her out of her own home."

"Don't think for one moment Spock that it is your fault. She had the problem of not accepting you for the wonderful person you are. You did nothing wrong. You believe me don't you?"

"I suppose there is merit to your way of thinking. It is still difficult."

"So now what do you do? Eventually you will be married. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to come between tradition, but I don't want to see you suffer either in a loveless marriage."

"You are kind Jim."

Spock approached the bed in front of him.

"Well, I just want to help." Jim slowly touched Spock's hand slightly making the Vulcan catch his breath from the contact.

"There is something that I must tell you that may give us hope." Spock placed his hand on Jim's also.

"Go ahead." Jim locked eyes with his friend and waited for him to continue.

"A few days ago I received a communique from my mother. There has been talk that T'Pring has been spending a great amount of time with another Vulcan. I am not sure if it is a human tradition to purposely overhear conversations where you are not privy too but my mother has become quite an expert in that field."

Jim smiles imagining the scene of Spock's mother being a gossip monger.

"Spock she isn't the only one I assure you." Jim grinned.

"Well, she somehow heard that T'Pring is seriously thinking of severing the link between her and myself."

Jim got up and looked concerned.

"No, I can't let you do it. You told me what happened to your father. The agony he went through. I know it was different than a link but still. I don't want to see you suffer Spock. I won't have it."

"Jim, you touch me deeply. I will await my mothers next message and let you know. Please do not be concerned. No harm would could from it if it should happen."

"Are you sure?" Jim had pulled Spock with him on the bunk. Their knees touching.

"Yes."

"I just want to be with you." Jim's hand found Spock's again.

"We will have to wait and see Jim."

"I know but it does give me hope. I suppose I should let you sleep." Jim started to rise from Spock's bed fingers still touching.

"I believe it would be wise."

"I really don't want too." Jim bit his lip trying to cause a surge of pain to relocate the feelings in his groin. He wanted Spock right now so badly.

"I do not wish for you to leave also but it is better we do not engage in anything that may complicate matters."

|

"Even a little kiss would complicate matters?" Jim stared at Spock's thin lips as they moved tranfixed by the movement of his speech.

"We are in effect kissing at this moment." Spock confessed his skin turning a darker shade of jade.

"What?" Laughter escaped Jim's voice filling the room.

"Vulcan's kiss with their hands." Spock entwined their hands even more adding pressure to the contact.

"Why you sneaky Vulcan." Jim's smile radiated as his eyes shone gold with love for this man.

"Vulcan's are not sneaky I assure you."

"You are and I don't mind one bit." Jim squeezed back to give Spock what he gave him.

Fingers caressed moving in a frenzied pace. Spock was feeling the most of it and was beginning to regret what he started because it was getting to be to much. The feelings that came from Jim were exhausting him. He had not raised his shields and now his mind was going to overload with all the sensory imput that was passing between them. With heartfelt sadness he pulled away breathing heavily from the lost contact.

"I guess we should slow down. But god Spock you look incredible when you lose control. You can you know with me. I accept you as who you are. You never have to hide from that."

Spock regained his breathing and turned away.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you did not. It is just quite difficult to maintain a balance. You would not understand."

"Maybe I will one day." Jim came around Spock and raised his hand to his friends chin.

"I care so much about you Spock. I would never hurt you for the world. You have to trust me on that."

Spock raised slowly his head and saw the hazel eyes staring back and smiled briefly.

"Now that is a sight I will have many dreams about. Your smile is such a gift for me Spock. You don't do it often and I know it isn't easy. I should go. Leave you rest. Will you be alright?" Jim spoke concerned.

"Yes, I will be alright." Spock responded but with a note of uncertainty.

"Promise me you will see Bones. Having nightmares when you never had them before is not normal. He may be able to help." Jim began to walk to Spock's door.

"I will take it in consideration."

"You do that Spock. I need you well."

"Goodnite Jim."

"Goodnite Spock."

Jim slowly brushed his hand along Spock's arm for one final contact between them. The door closed moments later. Spock could still breathe in the scent of his friend. His heart ached to be near him but he knew now was not the time.

Spock tried desperately again to meditate but his mind was too chaotic to follow through. He prepared for bed minutes later. As he tried to relax he could only see the image of his friend smiling, hoping that would instill pleasant dreams. But the sight of Jim in his mind changed to something less familiar. The laugh he had witnessed in his room was one of joy and exuberance. Now it was sound of mocking and hatred. For who was it that he saw that invaded his mind night after night? Spock had no answers.

Spock waited for a peaceful sleep. It never came.


	4. Chapter 4

Spock awoke fatigued and breathless. He managed to regulate his breathing seconds later through controlled discipline he had always learned. His eyes had closed during the night but sleep remained elusive. Everytime he thought rest would come, the vision appeared. It would always replay the same scenario everytime. Laughter, mockery and the feeling of dread. It had gone on for far too long. The visions were beginning to slowly spill over during the daytime. He realized that this one was slightly different. The vision spoke to him. What it said he couldn't recall. Leaving the image alone he thought may bring forth the answers he so desperately needed.

He slowly removed his long slender body from his bunk and went to the bathroom for his daily regimen of cleaning and grooming. After completing the task he made himself some Vulcan tea. The image of the man was still on his mind. He decided that seeing McCoy would be the best solution to his problem. He could not continue in the manner he was living. Answers were needed and perhaps the good doctor could help.

McCoy slumped down hard in his chair. It had been the longest shift he could ever recall. He had shooed everyone else on his staff away and told them that he would stay near this man all night if he had too. Finally satisfied with the reading over the bio-bed he relaxed in his chair. Fatigue was beginning to creep in his old tired bones because he could feel himself slip away in the darkness of night.

He jolted upright seconds later when the buzzer of his office invaded his dreams.

"Go away," the ship's doctor said in a slow southern drawl.

The buzzer was again heard seconds later.

"What do you want? Can't a man sleep in peace?"

McCoy realizing that sleep was not going to be on his agenda got up and responded to the incessive noise.

"It better be damn important waking me up from my..."

The door opened.

"Forgive me doctor. I did not mean to disturb you. I was needing assistance on a certain matter. I shall come back at a more appropriate time."

Spock turned around to leave sickbay's office when Doctor McCoy stopped him.

"Now, I have never turned down any one needing advice before, and I am hell not going to start. Come on in Spock."

"I can only stay a moment. I am due on the bridge in 27 minutes."

McCoy offered Spock a seat which he declined politely.

"Well, this is a first," said Leonard watching Spock with a slight grin.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You asking my advice on a subject. What could it possibly be..."

McCoy's face lit up like a Xmas tree.

"He did it. Jim did it..He asked you didn't he. Good for him. It was about time you know..All those looks, why didn't he come with you? Well, it doesn't matter I'll see him later. I am breaking out my best Saurian brandy."

McCoy rose and went to his liquor cabinet and found his old bottle he had kept. He had told himself that that bottle would be opened if something spectacular would happen and this was one of them.

McCoy was babbling with glee when Spock tried to interrupt him. He finally had to raise his voice to be heard.

"Doctor, please stop."

"What's wrong?" replied McCoy not liking Spock's attitude bringing a downer on his tired and depressing night. He came closer bottle placed on the table as he waited for the Vulcan to speak.

"The relationship you think has occured with the Captain and myself is not ..."

"You bastard." McCoy spat out the words.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You didn't give him a chance did you? You just told him you weren't interested. Let me guess, told him he was being illogical, that you didn't have feelings whatsover for him, and you said you'd still would remain friends. I am right aren't I? Arent' I?" McCoy slammed his hand on the table hard feeling the pain as it increased from the impact.

Spock needed time to phrase his words but McCoy took it as it was a given.

"I can't believe how heartless you are Spock. Jim is my best friend. And now you have come here, asking ..asking for what? Advice on how to deal with the aftermath. Am I supposed to pick up the pieces?"

"Doctor, let me explain." Spock looked nervous as he spoke. He wasn't going to tell the good doctor of T'Pring, atleast not yet.

"Leave me alone Spock. I can't help you. You ruined a good man, just so you know."

"Enough!" Spock raised his voice slightly which made McCoy recoil.

"What else is there to say Spock. You have made you decision, now go."

"Jim and I have not consommated are union together, not yet, perhaps soon."

"What?"

"I do not need to repeat myself. I did accept the Captain's confession to me. I also feel for him in my own way. But circumstances at the moment prevent us from exploring it further. We must wait for the proper time. That is all I can say."

"Now, I feel like a fool."

"So you should."

"Fine, first I want you to join me in a drink. Don't you dare so no. Secondly, why did you come here in the first place if it wasn't about Jim?"

"I have been having nightmares."


	5. Chapter 5

McCoy slowly put his drink down on the small table in front of him, and looked up at the Vulcan. He was troubled greatly about what he had said. You could see it in his posture, he looked tired and not himself. Granted, having your captain tell you that he's in love with you can do that.

Spock had said the words, and waited for McCoy to say something. The silence was long and drawn out. Finally the doctor spoke.

"Nightmares, Spock, are a very common occurrence among us Humans. You are saying you don't dream and have never experienced a moving memory in your mind, something flashing before your eyes." McCoy answered curiously.

Spock stared at him, his brow showing more emotion than words could.

"Until now, doctor. After a long period of physical and mental activity we need to meditate. It is a daily ritual where we analyze the thoughts, and experiences that we have collected throughout the day. Once we are satisfied that we have viewed the contents in our mind, we discard the mundane, the unimportant. What is left is a greater knowledge of oneself. But it does occur on occasion, that one session of deep thought, is not enough. We need more time to analyze a particular event that has troubled us."

Doctor McCoy listened attentively to what the science officer was saying. It made sense. Humans don't always take the time to fully understand a certain event, a heated argument, a certain look, misplaced anger. Perhaps, if they did, instead of becoming hostile when the event occurs they would be able to deal with its onslaught better. Now, McCoy was curious to know what had plagued the alien before him.

"And something has troubled you Spock?" McCoy answered waiting anxiously for a response.

"Indeed. I have experienced what you humans call nightmares. I believe it became apparent not too long after the events of Psi 2000. I keep seeing images, hearing sounds, and I cannot understand what they mean. I have meditated but the images and sounds have pierced through my safe place. A place I go to reflect, and gain understanding. I can no longer go there because the nightmares follow me." Spock responded sadly.

"Can you describe the last one that occurred?" McCoy asked trying to help.

Spock straightened his long body. He began to pace which was so uncommon to see him do.

"The last one that transpired was just before I came here to see you. It is always the same. It is repetitive, and spills over into my wakeful days now. I see..." Spock stopped in mid sentence when the image again played in front of him. He never moved.

McCoy stood there in shock, seeing the Vulcan's expression change to one of horror. What was he seeing?

"What is it Spock? What do you see?" The doctor asked pleading for an answer.

"I see, I see..the captain. And he is in grave danger."


	6. Chapter 6

Doctor McCoy stood next to Spock and was holding him, steadying him, from behind. The shock on his face of what he saw must have been very emotional. But nightmares can be not always what they seem. Perhaps Spock saw something that could be explained, McCoy needed more information. He came to face the tall form near him, still holding him, to give him support.

"Spock, do you want to talk about it? Perhaps, if you did, it would give us an idea of where we should go from here." McCoy spoke his voice showing concern.

"It is most peculiar. The images are transparent, blurred. The sounds I hear, the voices, they are muffled somewhat. I do know that Jim is involved. I feel.."

"You feel it. You don't have to be ashamed to use that word. Remember, Spock, you are Human. You can't hide from that fact. And sometimes, logic just doesn't fit in the equation."

"I know that I must come to terms with that part of myself. But, you must realize it is difficult for me." Spock responded his voice calm.

"It's difficult for all us. Sometimes, I wish I could be logical as you, instead of flying off the handle. We just have to find a balance."

"Yes, a balance. Easier said than done, Doctor McCoy."

Spock regained his composure and signaled to McCoy that he could stand without his help. McCoy let go and Spock straightened and pulled down his uniform tunic to show more a sign of dignity, than anything else.

"Can you remember anything Spock, anything at all?"

"I remember a voice. It was male. The voice who spoke was cold, and taunting. What I can remember, was he said that I could never have him. That he and I would pay for what I wished."

"Strange. I think that, with your permission of course, Spock, you could do with a session of hypnosis. It would certainly shed some light to what is happening. Give us a clearer picture. In the meantime I can give you something to make you sleep better and function a little better. But, I would think it wise to remove you from this shift. What do you think?"

Spock wanted to protest. He wanted to tell the good doctor that he was perfectly capable of continuing on with his duties. But, he knew that it was the farthest from the truth. And logic gave way to reason.

"I believe, I would appreciate your help in this matter and I will do what you suggest. Thank you."

McCoy knew Spock was not in his element. To actually not argue with him in his usual manner.

"Good. I am glad you are not fighting me on this."

McCoy was about to go and get the medication for Spock, when he stopped him.

"Something else Spock?" McCoy asked concerned.

"An image, some light, two beams of light, small. I don't know what it is. And they fade away, moments later."

McCoy placed his hand on Spock's shoulder.

"We will get to the bottom of this Spock. You have my word."

"Again, thank you. I do hope, that it is not too late."

Spock and McCoy look at each other with a sense of dread. What lay ahead of them, was only the beginning.


	7. Chapter 7

The medication was in the form of a hypo spray. Spock could feel it, as the contents in the instrument felt cold as it spread throughout his system. Spock breathed in a sigh of relief. Perhaps, now, he would be able to function with some degree of dignity. He had for some time, but now, it was becoming more and more difficult.

Besides the nightmares plaguing him, their was also the business of his newly found involvement with the captain. There was in fact no relationship to speak of, if T'Pring would continue with the bonding ceremony as planned. He had to wait, to see if his future was with a woman he did not want, or a man he so desperately needed.

McCoy watched the Vulcan as he stood transfixed, not looking at anything. His hands behind his back the moment after the hypo had been administered. The doctor wished he could find out more of what was going on in Spock's mind. Hypnosis was the key into unraveling the secrets that Spock was holding back. And McCoy was looking forward to ending this nightmare.

Still looking out of sorts, McCoy approached the tall being and spoke softly, trying not to break his concentration.

"There is something else isn't there. Something you don't want me to know. You have to understand Spock, I need to know as much as possible in order to help you." McCoy's tone was calm but his voice firm.

Spock turned away. His back stiff, emotions were apparent just by looking at him. He was having a hard time with them.

"I believe you are right. You should know, Jim does. There is no need to keep this information from you. But, I cannot tell you everything."

"Fine enough, what is it?"

"I have a wife. It is more an engagement. We are not legally together."

McCoy was very much surprised by his words. But, he was not one to judge. McCoy listened, as Spock relayed the whole story, as he did with his captain.

"Well, that is just peachy. But why follow tradition? Surely this can be solved in a logical fashion."

"It is not that simple. I am awaiting though a message from my mother. Perhaps, I will no longer need to." Spock spoke his voice laced with anxiety.

"And if your mother tells you what you want to hear. You and Jim will finally be together."

"Yes." Spock spoke that little word with not one of joy and anticipation, but one of fear.

"Why do you say it like that?" McCoy asked curiously.

"Because doctor, I am afraid, I will disappoint Jim. And that our so called relationship, will be non-existent."

They both looked at each other, and had no answer.


	8. Chapter 8

The tension in sickbay was felt by both men in that room. Spock had finally caved in, and told Doctor McCoy about the traditional ways of the Vulcan people. He didn't disclose everything, but whatever he did say, certainly helped McCoy in analyzing the situation at hand.

McCoy could see that it was painfully obvious, that Spock was feeling very troubled by his situation. He desperately needed help, with the nightmares, and basically a sounding board, someone who could listen to him, not judge, and give him valuable information, in order to move past the inner turmoil that was consuming him. The nightmares were troublesome enough, but a relationship, an intimate one, was something Spock didn't seem to be prepared for. McCoy was going to try his best, to help him, not as a doctor, but as a friend.

"Spock, I know it is difficult for you. Emotions, we Humans are used to them. We don't hide behind them. We are very open about how we feel and we show it. Well, with some restraint of course." McCoy smiled from his last statement.

Spock stared at McCoy, but his eyes were almost too ashamed to actually look at him, like he was looking through him.

"I am of mixed heritage Doctor McCoy. I have always found it difficult to belong in society. I am an enigma doctor. I belong nor here nor there. I have been in the service for a very long time, I have seen many things, met many different people. But, there is only one man that has accepted me, and has never wished to change me into something I am not. He has confessed that he has feelings for me, that go beyond friendship. I admit to you Doctor McCoy, that I am, I am frightened by his statement, for I do not know if I can please a man of his caliber. He is the famous James Kirk."

Spock's voice was full of doubt, as he spilled his heart to his chief surgeon.

McCoy smiled and laid a hand on Spock's arm. He knew how difficult it was for Spock to say what he did. But the more he would express himself the better it would be for him. But even the comfort of a warm touch, McCoy could feel the trembling in Spock's body. He was far from being comfortable in his newly discovered relationship. All he could do as a friend was to listen, and show support. But was it enough?

"Spock, Jim says he loves you. Why can't you accept that?"

Spock turned away from the comforting hand and stiffened.

"Emotions doctor, why must they be so negative."

"Now hold on, why would you say that?" McCoy's voice rose in defiance.

"Because of the fact, that I almost destroyed this ship, and her crew. We wouldn't be having this conversation if I had continued to wallow in self pity, crying like mere child for not telling my mother that I loved her. Always trying to please my father to no end, and never succeeding. I didn't want to listen to anyone doctor when I was infected, I was so self absorbed that I didn't care about anyone accept myself. I was selfish, angry, I lashed out at Jim for he struck me. I do not wish to see myself like that again. Do you understand how terrifying it was for me? To lose control, and not being able to regain it by myself. Jim, Jim was affected but he regained his self worth all on his own. What does that make me doctor. It makes me weak. How could he even love someone like me, someone who doesn't even..."

"Love himself, is that what you were going to say?" McCoy answered his question for him, not sure if it was the right answer.

"Yes. How can he love me, when I have difficulty, in accepting myself. My both sides are always in dispute. It is so exhausting."

"But Spock, that was something beyond your control, remember when I lost control and couldn't deal with the fact that a creature had taken the place of my Nancy. You came to find me just staring at it, while Jim was being killed. I did nothing, even when you kept telling me to shoot, I refused. My best friend, and I couldn't see it for was it was. Again, you protected Jim, and saved his life. If it wasn't for you, he would be dead. How do you think that makes me feel, that I would let some sucking vampire kill my best friend?"

"You were in love Doctor McCoy. You see how love blinds us in not seeing reality. No one will ever understand me, not even Jim." Spock said the sentence with so much sadness, McCoy felt it also and couldn't say anything to help him.

"Spock. I want to understand you. I love you. Please believe me, when I say, let me help."

Spock and McCoy had not heard Jim enter. Now, Spock had no choice but to listen to what Jim had to say.


	9. Chapter 9

McCoy could see the sadness in Jim's eyes as he gazed towards Spock. Spock had confided in him instead of Jim, and that certainly must have hurt Jim's ego. It was so apparent that there was much tension in the room they occupied. Communication was the key, and they both had not spoken enough about how this relationship would effect them. They truly needed time to themselves, A time to reflect and grow closer. McCoy was glad he had given Spock time away from his duties. And as for Jim, he needed time too. If he didn't see it then he needed more help than Spock did.

Spock went near Jim, but they didn't embrace. Spock could not look at Jim, and kept his head down low. McCoy seeing this had never witnessed Spock being so submissive. Following him, like a slave would his master, without any conscious thought. What kind of power did Jim have in this relationship? And to what means would Jim break Spock without meaning to?

"Jim, I was wondering when you'd show. Spock and I were having a nice talk." Doctor McCoy smiled in Spock's direction, hoping he'd acknowledge what he had said to be the truth, but Spock remained mute.

"Is that true Spock? Did you get a chance to talk with the good doctor?" Kirk asked concerned.

Spock's head rose swiftly and he spoke harshly.

"You can both cease treating me like a child." Spock's raised voice surprised them both.

"I can assure you Spock, that isn't what we were doing, right Jim?" McCoy looked in Jim's direction for support.

"Stop patronizing me Doctor, I know that tone of voice. I am having difficulty sleeping, and have been having a few episodes I can't recall. But, to patronize me, to treat me as if I am incompetent in understanding what I am going through is undignified and insulting." Spock's voice rose even more.

Spock moved away from the doctor and the captain.

"Spock, didn't you hear what I said earlier. I love you. Why can't you let me in?"

"Jim, I...I cannot." Spock spoke, his words heavy with sorrow.

Before McCoy could say something, Spock had moved with such speed, he left sickbay moments later.

"Spock, wait!" Jim shouted to his friend, but all he had was an empty space where Spock was moments before.

Jim was about to leave, when a strong arm prevented him.

"Jim, let him breathe a little. He is going through so much right now. He needs time more than anything else."

"He can have all the time he needs. I just wish he'd let me help him. I love him so much Bones. I never thought I could love someone so deeply, as I do with Spock. He's everything to me."

"I am sure he is. I gave him something to rest. He's off duty for a few days. Just until he has a decent sleep."

"Good. What did you learn?" Jim asked with concern.

"I can't tell you, Jim. It's between myself and Spock. If he feels more comfortable, then perh..."

"I can't believe this. I suggested Spock, to go and see you. And you can't tell me what is wrong with him."

"Jim, you know about doctor/patient confidentiality. I can't tell you what has been disc.."

"Fine. Keep it to yourself. I need to speak with Spock. He has to understand, that he needs me. That I am there for him."

"Jim, I think he needs time to himself."

"Your opinion doctor, not mine." Jim replied, his voice harsh.

Jim began to walk towards the doors of sickbay.

"Where are you going?"

"Where else? I need him Bones. I need him."

And those last words were uttered in sickbay, as McCoy was left alone with his thoughts.


	10. Chapter 10

The Captain of the Enterprise waited for what felt like an eternity, for his ride in the turbolift to end. He couldn't stop thinking of how Spock had left so quickly from sickbay. It was unheard of to see his science officer so upset, and to show that scale of emotion. It was apparent that this new relationship that they had embarked, the nighmares, were taking its toll on him.

But, Kirk was pretty much kept in the dark about what was going on in Spock's head regarding the things he saw, that his friend himself could not explain. And this so called relationship, which was permanently parked in neutral.

Kirk did not know where they stood at all. But, he was damn sure not going to leave things as they were, in limbo.

He had asked the computer to direct the lift to Observation lounge. At first he thought that maybe he would be in his room, perhaps meditating in front of that ancient fire pot. But, something kept telling him, he would find another place to go.

Finally the lift ended and James Kirk walked towards the destination where he thought Spock to be.

Kirk was hesitant, even though he felt strong and determined, there was still a slight feeling of uneasiness that Spock would not be happy to see him. He tried not to dwell on that feeling and entered.

The door shut behind him and he saw in the distance, a lone figure leaning against the wall, staring out into space.

He had been right about Spock's little hiding place. He himself had went there often to think more clearly, when things bothered him. How do you approach a Vulcan in this state? Kirk had to try to get to him. To make him open up. For both their sake.

Kirk walked quietly towards his friend, trying not to disturb his friends reflective posture.

Spock was not surprised to find him here with him. He knew the Captain's knack of sensing other people's moods, and it sometimes worked to his advantage.

The voice of Spock was low and deeply emotional.

"You seem to know me very well, Jim. Maybe, better than myself."

"About finding you here, you mean?" Jim asked.

Spock nodded still staring into space, not seeking Jim's presence.

"I suppose it's just how things are between us. We get along well as a team. And, maybe it works beyond that." Jim replied leaning against the same wall staring at his first officer.

"I.. am sorry about my outburst. I am not my.."

"I know Spock. You don't need to explain. It has been difficult for you. But, you have to realize that I am here for you. You can't shut me out when things like this happen. We need to talk about what bothers us both. You can't keep it bottled up. It isn't good."

"I do realize that, Jim." Spock turned slightly to meet Jim's gaze.

"Spock, I care so much about you. And I hope you can count on me to help you through this. We have so much to look forward to." Jim smiled, resting a hand on Spock's arm.

Spock shivered from the touch.

"Don't be afraid, Spock. I am not a stranger to you. Surely, you can see that. You can ask me anything."

"Jim, I am..I am afraid that I will disappoint you. That if we are together in a relationship involving intimacy, you will resent my lack of knowledge in that area. I am..frightened by the prospect of us being more than friends. How can I possibly please you, if it should happen that my link to T'Pring is severed. I do not wish to fail you."

"Oh, Spock. Is that what's gotten you all worried? Sex is one thing, anyone can figure out the mechanics about it, but making love is natural. It comes to us without any thought. You fall into it. And it is the most beautiful thing in the world between two people who love each other."

"I do wish to make love to you." Spock replied his eyes sincere.

"And we will, when we are both ready, not before. You have to trust me on this. I would never hurt you. I would never force myself on you."

"I do believe you. Forgive me, I grow tired. The medication seems to be working. I would like to retire to my quarters."

"Of course. We'll walk together. I love you, Spock. Don't ever doubt that for a minute." Jim spoke his words, comforting.

"I love you also. More than words can say." Spock smiled in Jim's direction.

They bridged the gap between them and embraced.

Perhaps things would get better from now on. But, life is never that simple. Unfortunately.

They left the lounge together.


	11. Chapter 11

Jim brought Spock to rest in his cabin. He was right, Spock was extremely tired. It took almost everything for him to change in his sleeping attire. The moment he did, and his head hit the pillow, he was out.

Jim couldn't help but stay for a little while. He sat next to him on the small cot, staring at that tranquil face. His features so much more relaxed. How long had it been since he had a good night sleep, without those supposed demons invading his every thought? What exactly was troubling his dear friend? It was frustrating not knowing what was causing harm to that logical mind. He was glad that McCoy was on top of it all. And they would get to the bottom of this. He wanted his Science Officer back, whole.

It took everything in himself, not to climb in bed with his friend. To hold him near, to feel his warm body against his own. It was complicated. Isn't life always. But still, this business with Spock's supposed girlfriend, it drove the Captain, angry that she would even consider someone else to be with. Spock was kind, and gentle. So what if he was part Human. But, deep down, he was glad that there was still a chance between himself and Spock. But the question was, how long could the captain wait for his beloved?

Jim bent down to kiss the top of Spock's cap of black hair. Inhaling the scent of the man, as long as he could. He covered the Vulcan tightly with the one sheet on the bed. He whispered pleasant dreams and slowly got up. He looked at him once more before leaving through their connecting bathroom.

Jim walked in his room, and felt restless. He needed to talk to someone. McCoy was surely wondering what had happened between them both. He decided to speak to his friend. Hopefully, gaining insight to Spock's condition. But knowing McCoy's stubborn nature, he probably wasn't going to get much out of him. But it was worth trying.

****

McCoy heard the buzzer as he tried to relax once again, and just accepted the fact,that this was not his night. He let his friend in, not surprising to find his Captain there. Of course Jim wanted answers, and even himself, he had questions he wanted answered.

"If you want to know Bones, I didn't screw up, if that's what your thinking." the captain replied truthfully.

"Oh, I had a feeling you would find a way to smooth things over. You are usually good in that department." McCoy smiled in his friend's direction.

"You know me too well." Jim smiled back.

"Where is Spock, now?" McCoy asked curiously.

"That concoction you gave him, knocked him out. I brought him to his room. He's sleeping peacefully."

"I see."

"You seem to be curious about something."

"I do have a few questions I'd like to ask, if you don't mind." McCoy standing his ground in the matter.

"Sure, why not. What do you want to know?" Jim asked, but not really wanting to hear it.

"First things first. Brandy?" McCoy's eyes shined with mirth.

"Always." The captain's eyes sparkled with added intensity matching the C.M.O.'S.

"Have a seat." McCoy pointing to the chair in front of him.

McCoy came back, brandy in hand and had poured the contents in two glasses and offered it.

This discussion between them was not going to be a picnic.

The captain picked up the glass, swirling its contents and breathed in it's bouguet before tasting the sharp liquid. It felt good, the burn going down his gullet. He needed something to calm him. It was not that he was all that agitated. He was more uneasy about the situation that he was in. And what he was going to do about it.

"Good, isn't it?" McCoy asked after he had sampled his own.

"Smooth, Bones. As always."

"Well, now that you are sitting here all pretty and smiling, what gives?"

"I told you, everything is fine between Spock and me."

"Jim, you didn't tell me a damn thing. This isn't a simple little fling you embarked on. This is the real deal. Or have you forgotten."

"I haven't forgotten." Jim responded, with forthright conviction.

"Good to know. This thing with Spock's wife."

"Girlfriend. Not married yet."

"Whatever you want to call it, she is still the one person that can screw it all up for you. Have you asked yourself, that question, Jim?"

"What question?" Jim asked curiously.

"How long are you going to last, without any sex?"

"I must say this for you. You don't beat around the bush, do you?" Jim replied, surprised by McCoy's blatant remark.

"I call them, how I see them." McCoy replied honestly.

"What do you think of me Bones? Someone that thinks of sex, on a daily basis. I can assure you that is the farthest thing from.."

"Don't give me that bullshit. I can guarantee that the moment you put Spock to bed, you wanted so desperately to lay next to him. Thinking that maybe he'd wake up, and you'd throw your arrangement to the wind, and boom make wild passionate love, and to hell about tradition." McCoy's voice rose with anger.

"That's not what happened!" Jim replied loudly to be heard.

"Sorry, Jim. My mistake. You have a better reign on your libido then. But answer me this, when will that controlled discipline of yours finally crack. And you give in to temptation. Ruining any chance of having Spock to yourself."

Anger rose in the captain's belly. This was not the conversation he had hoped.

Jim rose from his seat, and drank the final dregs of his glass.

"I believe this conversation is over. Goodnight, Bones."

Captain Kirk exited sickbay, with not even a backward glance at his so-called friend.

McCoy sighed heavily.

"This whole situation is far from over, Jim. Far from over." McCoy replied finishing his drink as well.


	12. Chapter 12

Amanda was troubled. It was not usual for her to feel such anxiety, such trepidation, but she could sense something was going to happen. She tried to divert that anxiety by working in her rose garden. That activity always brought her pleasure and peace of mind.

Her rose garden was well known on Vulcan. It was quite rare to see a garden flourish, in such a harsh climate, being so hot and arid. Water was used sparingly, only for the necessities of life. But, Amanda managed to make that rose garden thrive, using what was available, and her famous green thumb.

It was mid-afternoon in Shi'Kahr and Amanda was indoors painting. This was another one of her past times she enjoyed when her husband was away on business. She held her brush with confidence as it danced across a once empty canvas and soon was filled with an amazing display of colors that shocked even Amanda herself. It was pleasant memory of the past when she and Sarek were courting. It was so long ago, but she remembered it as if it was yesterday.

She turned abruptly for she heard a noise coming from outside. She wasn't expecting Sarek until next week. The doors opened and there stood her handsome Vulcan husband.

"Sarek," she said startled.

"Amanda. We need to speak." Sarek responded, his tone unpleasant.

"I didn't expect you home. I believed you had business off-world."

"It was resolved earlier than thought, my wife."

Sarek approached his wife, fingers raised in the traditional greeting.

"Forgive me, darling. I was painting." Amanda greeted her husband hesitantly, not wanting to dirty her husband.

"It is of no importance." Sarek replied not caring if her hands were stained.

"You seem troubled. Is there something wrong?"

"I wish to speak to you about our son."


End file.
